I really do get you. I have not been all the way well these past few weeks either. I’ve been quite unhappy actually, not just because of sickeness. I told you how my friend’s little girls died last Tuesday? I just haven’t felt the same since it happened. It’s made me wonder about a lot of things. Things I’ve never had to wonder about before, you know?
I’ve been wondering what my life was like before I was born. If my soul somehow existed before it was in my body. I know a lot of people wonder when human life begins, but i’m curious about when the soul comes alive. I wonder if before I was on earth I got to know God at least a little bit. I wonder if I loved him. I have this idea in my head, this idea that maybe I chose for my life to be this way. Maybe I chose to have a life that includes suffering, sadness, death, poverty, and pain. Maybe my young soul was so in love with this God she knew, she was willing to subject herself to hardship, to endure much pain for the sake of honoring the one she so deeply loved. My soul, she must have know that at the end of life, after the hard parts were over, things would make sense. Maybe she understood that the suffering would be worth the good that comes at the end of human life.
My soul now still knows God, maybe not as well she used to, but enough to know that if she could go back in time, back before I was born, she would have chosen the same life. She would choose a life of endurance for the sake of love. That’s what keeping me moving right now. My soul, who is older and wiser than I, deep down knows her God is worth living for.
Anyway. One day I will be less melodramatic. Thanks for tolerating me sometimes and for loving me always.